Reborn
by letitbe54
Summary: "Immortals never die, they are just reborn." Carlisle dies in the battle with the Volturi, forcing Esme to come to terms with her husband's death in the only way she knows how: by killing herself. Will she find her love again or be lost for the rest of eternity? BD pt 2 spoilers. Angst and Love. C/Es.
1. Suicide

**Summary: "Immortals never die, they are just reborn." Carlisle dies in the battle with the Volturi, forcing Esme to come to terms with her husband's death in the only way she knows how: by killing herself. Will she find her love again or be lost for the rest of eternity? BD pt 2 spoilers. Angst and Love. C/Es. One-Shot**

**OoOoOoOoO**

Death.

I've never really understood the word. It always seemed so…avoidable. As an immortal creature death was a misunderstood and somewhat fake act. We don't die, we are just reborn. Vampires aren't supposed to die; we are built to last an eternity. We are given mates to keep us company, but not just mates, soul mates. The bond between a vampire and his or her mate is one of the strongest relationships in nature. The only way it can be broken is by death, and a formal one at that. Tear off the head and burn the pieces. Ashes don't come back to life, I've tried.

I suppose I never thought that one day I would have to approach death, place myself inside the flames and allow my body to burn, my soul to sink. Am I not dead already? I died over a hundred years ago, back when I had nothing to lose but my own life. That misery, though never exactly weak, is somewhat dull when compared to what courses through my cold veins now. The pain reminds me more of death than anything else I have ever felt, much more than the pain of mortal wounds. The pain I feel now is like a knife, slicing away at my stone hard tissue, cutting out my heart and all my veins. I never thought I'd have to actually deal with this, that I would have to think about life without _him._

I can't say his name, that precious name that has kept my love and need for love alive. He did what no one else could do to me, he loved me unconditionally. He became my husband, my lover, my friend, anything I needed he would supply. He found a way to make everything fall into place, and replace my pain with something new, something comforting. At the time I didn't know what love was, the foreign feeling pleasurable, but uncharted. He taught me everything I know about love. Without him, there's nothing left of me. This shell of decaying flesh is too heavy to carry any longer with my love, my body and my mind no longer has the need to go on.

I can die now; leave this physical world to be with him. Who knows where, but anywhere with him would be impeccable. Hell itself would freeze over if he were to visit. Surely God has already welcomed him with open arms, surely he's happy. But I bet he misses me, at least to some degree. Heaven can only be so aspiring.

The silence of the empty field has a calming and serene feel, but also eeriness. Its warning me, I can tell. Theses snowy mountains and grassy fields know as well as I do that this is it. That my time has finally expired. I'm expecting death all too soon.

I carefully pick up the small bag containing my love's remains, feeling the small ashes form to the shape of my hand through the fabric. It's hardly all I have left of him, but for some reason it truly feels that way. Materialistic possessions never mattered to me, or to Carlisle. They were always disposable, easy to get and easy to destroy. These ashes, my husband, mean more than anything I have ever owned. They even mean more than my dead son, whose memory fades more and more each day because I stopped trying to remember years ago. It was a waste of time; he was gone and now so is Carlisle.

His name appeared in my mind, causing my body to collapse, my knees hitting the snowy ground with a thick and solemn thud. His name released something inside of me, a new wave of pain. It washed over me, drowning me in sorrow, pulling me into the darkness. I gasped for breath, for anything, but there was nothing there. All that can live in my mind is darkness.

The feeling left me breathless and unusually tired, though I had come to expect the exhaustion. It was just a side effect, nothing more. A soft sob escaped from my throat, but I quickly suppressed the second one. I didn't come all the way out here to cry over my dead husband. I came out here to fulfill his final wish.

_Please, my love, if I die tonight bury my ashes not on our island but in that field we used to frequent during the summer months. I want you to remember not the extravagance of our love, but the simplistic and easy side of our relationship. I want you to remember our love forever, please, for me._

He never wrote a will, never bothered assigning his massive collection of books and belongings. Out of respect Edward gave me everything, most of which I gave back to him. I didn't want any reminders of him. I ridded the house of his scent, I ridded my closet of his clothes, but somehow the smallest pieces of him seemed to break through my defenses. I would find something of his, an old notebook or tie, and suddenly I couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything but cry for hours upon hours. Carlisle found his way into my life even when he was gone.

It's been a week since he passed, only seven full days, but it feels much longer. Every second feels like a year with him gone, every minute a century, every day a millennium. I've become a ghost with a physical form, a walking testimony to love lost. My family, my poor family, has been comforting, but distant. They seem to mistake my cold and impersonal exterior as anger and resentment. I am not mad that my husband died. I do not seek revenge, for those responsible are dead as well, their remains nothing more than a puddle of sodden snow. No, I find no rage within me, I only find grief. Sorrow for what has become of my life and what has become of me.

Where once I stood strong I am now broken, a widow for the second time.

I place the bag into the snow, pushing through the layers of plush whiteness until the hard ground appeared. I clawed at the dirt until I reached a sufficient sized hole in which the bag fit easily. Dirt clouded my fingernails and moisture seeped into the cuffs of my jacket and jeans, frustrating me but not halting my assault on the earth beneath me. Nothing could stop me now. With shaky hands I covered the bag back over, spreading the dirt and finally the snow over the remnants as evenly as possible.

I stood quickly, dusting my clothes off as I admired my work.

_Like he never existed._

That's what he wanted, simple. He didn't want something over the top and flamboyant, he wanted this. He wanted me to remember and that's it. He deserves more, but he doesn't need it.

I noticed a medium sized pebbled rock a few meters away and randomly decided to use it as a marker for my love's grave. It would most likely be moved by the elements, but for the time being it would mean something.

My hand fluttered over my long dead heart, the heavy feeling slowly returning. The hole in my chest seemed to grow, eating away at my bones like a fiery acid. Surely I can feel this crater, this void within me, but I can't. It's just a trick of the mind. It's not real. The pain though is frighteningly real. So real it makes itself a reality. 

I haven't hunted since my husband's death. I haven't touched any of the kills my children have brought me, haven't had the urge to drink their life from them. I have no urge for anything anymore. I used to busy myself with cleaning, and drawing, or even caring for Nessie, but now I can't even keep my hands steady enough to hold a broom, let alone a pencil or a child. I can do nothing anymore, not without him by my side.

I felt a sudden presence behind me. I instantly recognized the unique scent as my oldest son, my loving Edward. I would miss him the most.

"This spot is perfect, Mom."

Edward walked to meet my side, his expression stunningly emotionless. How I envy that stoic trait of his. How I wish I could hide all this pain from my family. That don't deserve to have a mother as broken and torn as me.

"You aren't broken," he assured me quietly. "We are all suffering right now, but none of us are broken. We can always heal." His hand found mine, his fingers curling comfortably into my palm. The feeling was nice, and instantly reminded me of Carlisle, and how perfectly we fit together. _Two pieces of the same puzzle_ my love would always say, a smile adorning his face. _My Esme, my love_.

I thought Edward would pull away once he realized what thoughts his mundane gesture provoked, but he didn't. He cast me a sad smile, gripping my hand tighter as he stared out over the snowy field. The sun was beginning to set, the red colored orb sinking under the thick line of pines on the horizon line. The spot, a small field a few miles outside of Forks, had always held a special place in my heart as well as Carlisle's. We used to come out here and just talk and relax. It didn't have to be special, or terribly romantic, because we had forever. We had the rest of eternity to explore our love, and we would do it together.

Of course life had a funny way of making eternity a whole lot shorter. A few hours to be exact.

"He would be proud of you, Esme. You've been strong, much stronger then Alice," Edward said softly. I looked over at him and noticed he was wearing a pained expression now, hurt registering across his features.

I suppose his assumption was correct. Alice had taken Jasper's death worse than anyone. She had yet to come out from her room, the seclusion only worsening her despondency, or at least that's what Edward tells us. I hadn't talked to her at all since before she left for Brazil, back when life was relatively normal. I thought about talking to her, but decided against it at the last moment. I couldn't intrude on her grieving. She deserves her time alone.

A feeling of unease settled in my stomach as I stared at Edward. His eyes were glassy as he stared at Carlisle's burial site, his stance unnervingly still. I could tell his mind was deep in thought, and although I didn't really want to interrupt his pondering I needed to know what was running through his brain. I could tell it had something to do with my late-husband by the way he was ignoring my gaze.

"What's wrong, Edward?" I asked, my voice coming out surprisingly soft and weak. My vocal chords seemed to have decayed a bit due to a lack of use. Such a shame.

"I was just thinking about who has to take up the position of leader in the family now that Carlisle's gone. Since you were his wife, the role is yours respectively I suppose."

My mouth fell open at his words, my mind repelling even the thought of taking control of a whole coven of vampires. Grieving vampires at that. No, I could never do that. It was never supposed to be my job; I'm just the heart of the family. Carlisle's the leader, not Esme. That's how it's always been.

"I know it's a difficult thing to think about Esme, but please just consider it. I bet Carlisle would have wanted you to take his position, he always thought you would make a talented leader. Think of your family. You owe it to him, and you owe it to us," Edward said, his voice tender, but his words surprisingly harsh and critical.

It took me less than a second to consider his option and spit out my own answer.

"I'm sorry Edward, but I-I can't. It's not who I am. But you on the other hand would make a fine leader. Carlisle would want you to take the role, we both know this. Please, take care of the family. They need you right now, especially Alice. You know I won't be here much longer."

Edward took note of the cracking tone in my voice, and the goodbye forming on my lips, his eyes widening, his head shaking fervently. He unclasped my hand, jumping in front of me as if he could keep me from leaving. He dodged the stone marking Carlisle's remains and grabbed my shoulders harshly. His fingers dug into my tissue uncomfortably.

"God Esme, you can't do this! We just lost Carlisle and Jasper; we can't lose you too, not after all that's happened! Think of Bella, and Nessie, and Emmett, everyone loves you, what makes you think we could move on if you killed yourself? What if we just all fell apart? We need the heart of the Cullen family to stay, please don't do this to us, Esme. We need you. We really need you."

A sigh tore from my lips, my body weakening under the stress of the situation. I had already made up my mind, and Edward couldn't change it but his pitiful cries were exhausting. He reminded me of a child, begging his mother not to leave him alone at some faraway school.

"Please, Edward, I've made my decision. Please just respect it."

Edward stiffened in front of me, his grasp on my shoulders steadily weakening until he removed them completely. They fell to his sides, limp and defeated.

"You can't leave us," he argued feebly. "Your family still needs you."

I don't want to leave them all, but they would survive without me. I act as a mother to them, but I know they are mature enough to handle life without me. My love is waiting for me on the other side; I just have to jump like I did before.

This pain is so tiring, so immobilizing that life with it might as well be death. I cannot function in this state. I need my Carlisle back.

"Esme, I won't let you do this. You'll regret it later, I know you will. Please, just listen to me; you don't have to do this."

Oh how wrong he was.

My skin seemed to burn, my body igniting with sudden fury. I allowed it to roll over me, my mind succumbing to its devilish devices. A deep red covered my sight as I stared at my son. Suddenly he didn't seem to mean as much to me as before. Nothing holds beauty anymore, nothing can retain any measure of greatness when compared to him. Nothing is familiar or normal anymore. Even this field, a place where my husband and I used to regularly retreat to, felt so different, as if it were spinning the wrong way on its axis.

And now my own son has changed. No longer does he understand the pain of a lost mate, the immense and overwhelming misery. He once felt it, a touch of it, but nothing like this. His pain was a lie, this is reality. I live in reality.

"I will do as I wish, Edward. If I wish to die, than die I will. Now please leave, I have things to process," I commanded harshly, somewhat regretting my tone once the words left my lips. I let the guilt slip away from me as Edward nodded submissively, his feet cracking the cold white blanket of snow as he retreated, his head hung low.

I thought I heard him murmur something quietly before he left. Something hazy to my numb ears, but piercing to my long dead heart.

"I'm sorry this had to happen to you and not me."

**OoOoOoOoO**

_Be strong for me, Esme. I love you._

His last words, though somewhat dull, sent volts through my body whenever they happened to cross my mind. The way he had said them, so shaky and soft, had almost brought tears to my eyes. At the time his declaration had been so beautiful, so full of devotion that I forgot what was destined to happen. For that moment, those last seconds together, it was just him and me. Carlisle and Esme. Together and in love, if only for a little bit.

Maybe that's all we needed.

No. We were supposed to have forever, an eternity to love each other. This twist in the plot was not part of the plan. But I could make it. I have control over my own destiny now. I can make every wrong a right with a few simple steps.

The night was brisk but clear. Stars, bright and full, shone down through the treetops, lighting a trail through the woods, as if to guide me to my final destination. I pulled down branches and leaves from various trees, gathering wood for my own funeral pyre. I assisted in my own demise, helping death as he urged me along, easing me down the sullen path.

I thought back to why I was doing this, why I was going to end my own life, and although I could only think of one answer it was enough to keep me going. Carlisle was enough to keep me from going back, from turning around and running to my family in tears. No, I wouldn't live out my life in misery. There's nothing left for me here. Once he died, I might as well have died as well. Aro didn't just kill Carlisle, he killed me as well.

Flames seem to burn that much hotter in the dead of winter. The orange and red waves nipped at my shoes as I watched them grow and transform into a roaring beast, ready to consume anything in its path. I momentarily wondered how long it would take for them to find me. Edward already knows, and I'm sure Alice does as well, but yet I'm still here. Alone. I don't think they will come at all, they understand what I want, what I need. I have a feeling Alice will be right behind me anyway. She knows the pain better than anyone.

I clutched my chest, inhaling the smoke deeply. Embers shot into the sky like rockets as the flames twisted and coughed, hot as white metal. They were as inviting as they were frightening.

This was my last chance, I could turn around now, go back to the house, try to live through the pain and the misery. Maybe I could, but it would never be enjoyable again. A picture of Marcus flashed across my mind. The poor man had welcomed death with open arms. He too had no reason to live, for his mate was killed by Aro as well. I didn't want to become like him, living out my days as a walking zombie, nothing more than a bag of bones.

_Beauty and power mean nothing if you can't share them with the one you love. _

How true that is.

I reached out toward my fiery grave, testing the heat with my fingers. It was painful, as I imagined it would be, but surprisingly bearable. It was a comforting pain when compared to the hole in my chest. It didn't leave me exhausted and tired, it made my dead heart come to life, my veins rush with excitement. It was as invigorating as physical contact and as gratifying as mental. Something thumped in my ears, a loud but steady beat. My vision blurred as the venom coating them caught fire, causing a sharp and strangled scream to echo from my throat. The flames licked down my throat, sinking into my lungs where it burned the marble-like tissue and dry arteries. Were they dry? If I didn't know better I would have said they were filled with blood, but that would have been preposterous. I know what I am. The thumping began to slow down as the fire spread throughout my body, burning me alive. My teeth clenched together, my hands raked the ground in a futile attempt to escape my own death. But I didn't want to leave. I wanted to die.

I suddenly became anxious to rid this world of my soul, to find my love once again, far away from here. The fear I had been feeling rushed away from me, flowing down my skeleton in the form of melting skin and burning fabric. I wasn't scared of death. I accepted it, just as Carlisle did. I'm not scared.

The smell of burning human flesh filled the air, mixed with the scent of evaporating blood. I laughed at the puzzling situation, my mind already too far gone to even begin to understand what was happening to me. It was already too late.

Finally I lost consciousness and fell into a black abyss, the feeling similar to what I remember sleep being, except it was dreamless. Who knows how long I was there, my soul unblinking but utterly alive. I was alive, I could feel it, but in a way I wasn't. I knew I died, I had felt the flames, seen my burning bones, I knew I shouldn't be alive. But I was.

I knew then that my life was not over, but just beginning. I had been given another chance.

**OoOoOoOoO**

"She'll wake up any second now. Her mind's all over the place and she's quite scared so you might want to take a few steps back. You know how newborns can be."

"Yes, I do. You gave _me_ quite the scare on your first day as a vampire. Hopefully she won't be so…heated."

"What do you expect from a seven-teen year old boy turned vampire? You expect too much of me, my friend."

"Shhh, she's waking!"

My heavy eyelids opened to reveal two faces looking down at me, both filled with worry, but also with excitement. I centered in on the blonde one, my breath immediately catching in my throat.

It couldn't be. Not here, not in this house where I've already lived. How long ago was that? A hundred years maybe? No, that's impossible.

"Carlisle…"

It came out as a breathy moan, which would have been embarrassing in any other situation, but with him it was perfect. Everything was perfect.

He rewarded me with a warm smile. "You must remember me from your past."

His voice was warm, but not exactly romantic as I had suspected it would be. It was friendly, but not husbandly.

"I-I…" My voice stuttered and fell off. I couldn't think of the right words to say, and even if I could my lips didn't want to say them. I swallowed thickly, the venom sliding down my throat uneasily.

"You don't have to say anything. I know this is incredibly confusing for you, as it should be, but I'm going to try and explain it to you. Ok?" he asked tentatively, his eyes seeking mine for some sort of confirmation.

I nodded shyly, my mind too weak to do much of anything else.

"I found you in the morgue after you jumped off a cliff. You were nearly dead, so I saved you. In order to save you I had to change you…into one of us." Carlisle spoke softly and slowly, as if I didn't already know what he was saying.

"A v-vampire," I stuttered.

Edward flashed me a curious look, his eyebrows raised in surprise. "How did you know?"

"I-I…"

"Don't pressure her, Edward. She must have been observant when I worked on her years ago. It doesn't matter now anyway," Carlisle said hastily, his eyes narrowed in an expression seen little by me or anyone else.

"What? No, you must be misunderstood," I began, sitting up slowly. Carlisle leaped up, assisting me with kind hands. A sad smile drifted across my lips as he neared me, my excitement mounting.

I had finally made it to heaven. The transition to death was over. My husband is by my side once again.

I grabbed his face with my hands, pulling him toward me easily. A newfound strength burned through my body, a strength I hadn't felt in many years. I knew where it came from, where it originated from. Blood, human blood. His lips crashed against mine, warming my heart just as it did before. He felt the same, tasted the same, everything was the same. My Carlisle.

"Whoa, easy there love birds," Edward laughed heartily as he pulled Carlisle away from me. A primal growl ripped from my chest as I lunged and grabbed my mate. He had already left me once; he wasn't going to leave me again.

"Esme, please stop," Carlisle begged hoarsely. "The emotions of a new born can vary greatly and sometimes various emotions become dominant. For Edward it was anger, I feel for you it is going to be lust. If you listen to me we can help you regulate it in a more…controlled manner. But you must calm down." He pulled himself out of my grip, rubbing his arm tenderly. I gasped softly, hoping I hadn't injured him.

Regulate my love for him? He must be joking. After being away from him for a week control is the last thing on my list. Surely he understands.

"Carlisle, love, what's wrong?"

He gazed at me hazily, his expression truly baffled. What does he not understand? He must remember me, his wife of a hundred years. Heaven has no reputation of breaking marriages.

Maybe this isn't heaven, maybe its hell.

"Esme, I've known you for all of a few seconds. Let's not use such romantic titles so soon," he corrected steadily. I noticed he was slowly walking away from me, his hands raised in a somewhat defensive move. His eyes held a hint of concern, as did Edward's. What was wrong with them?

"Carlisle, I'm your wife and your mate, surely you remember me from life before your death. I killed myself so I could be with you again, I burned my body to be with you in heaven, and now that we are both finally here you say you only just met me? Please, Carlisle, stop playing with me."

"Playing with you? You must be mistaking me with someone else, or you might just be delusional. That sometimes happens with newborns-"

"I'm not a newborn! I've been married to you for over a hundred years, Carlisle! Believe me, please!" I pleaded earnestly, my voice cracking with unshed tears. Slowly but surely my heaven was turning into a nightmare. The devil was beginning to show.

_Suicide is the worst of all sins, you should know._

Edward shook his head. "Esme, you are a newborn and you are not married to Carlisle. Just look in the mirror if you want proof."

Surely enough my reflection showed matching rubies instead of my normal golden or onyx colored orbs. My fingers ghosted over my porcelain features, making sure they were real and not just fake pieces melded together. Everything stayed together, surprisingly enough, which only increased my worry and trepidation. I didn't melt into a puddle or float away as a ghost, I stayed, my form real as it was this morning.

"What year is it?" I asked suddenly, turning around quickly to meet Carlisle's eyes. He looked quickly, not daring to stare a second longer.

Edward cast me an exasperated look. "It's 1921, Esme. The change only took three days."

Dear God. 1921 all over again.

"Is something wrong?" Carlisle asked quietly. I had almost forgotten he was there.

"No, I'm fine, it's just…"

I pursed my lips tersely and took a seat. What do I do now? Live all those years again?

_You should be happy Esme, you have Carlisle again. You get to relive all those times again._

"Come on Esme, I'll show you your room and then we'll go hunting," Edward offered kindly, grabbing my hand. Carlisle followed; his eyes cast downward, his lips contorted oddly.

Had I really become that offensive to him? Did I look different to him?

A sigh escaped my lips, causing Edward to laugh lightly. "It's ok Esme, he'll come around. He always does, doesn't he?"

Edward winked at me before beginning his descent up the stairs. I glanced at Carlisle again, his face igniting another flow of memories. I would win him over, just as I did before, and we would wed, just as we did before.

Because everything is just a cycle. Every death is a birth, and every birth a death. We immortals never die, we only start anew.

**OoOoOoOoO**

**I just loved Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 so much that I had to do it! I always liked to think that vampires never really die, that they are just reborn over and over. Just a thought, hope you enjoyed it!**


	2. Forget Me Not

Hell readers, and welcome to the second (and incredibly short) installment of Reborn! I got tons of feedback about this one shot, and I've decided to make it into a little story. The chapters will be fairly short, but hopefully I will be able to update more often. I've never tried the shorter-chapter approach and I think it might serve this story well. I guess we'll just have to see. Please read and review! I'd love to know if you enjoy this incredibly-short chapter! :)

* * *

"I brought you some clothes if you want to change."

I looked up from my desk to meet Carlisle's nervous gaze. I noticed the stack of folded dresses in his hand and nodded toward my dresser.

"Thanks. You can just put them there," I murmured softly, careful not to look too long at his god-like form for too long.

_You're not his wife, Esme, so stop acting like it._

"If something doesn't fit just tell Edward. I'll get him to run to town and get it switched if need be." He sighed deeply and walked over to where I was sitting, his hands deep in his pockets. I could tell he was anxious. I scoffed at the thought.

_I've been in bed with him and he's anxious just to talk to me! Has he really lost so much of his memory?_

"Are you thirsty? Do you need to go hunting?" he asked softly. I tapped the pencil I had written with on the wood loudly, pushing it harder with each stoke. Finally it snapped in half, the two pieces splintering in either direction. I breathed deeply and flicked the flakes of lead off my paper, causing long grey streaks to appear on the white sheet. My teeth clenched.

"I'm fine," I replied sharply. "I recently hunted with Edward." In all actuality, I was incredibly thirsty, but I wasn't about to admit that to Carlisle. It had already been a week since I awoke to this strange new world, and Carlisle's yet to make any move towards me in a romantic way. It is absolutely infuriating. I just want to grab him and kiss him with the old passion I used to show him every day. The passion we used to have for each other. Now there's just this eternal awkwardness that seems to hang in the air around us like an illness. It's disastrous to say the least.

And what's even worse, I'm starting to lose my memory. All the precious memories that were once so clear in my mind have begun to fade, as if they had never happened at all. But they had. I had a life before this, a perfect life, one that I never imagined losing, and yet I did. I lost everything, and this life, this 'second life', is my chance to live once more with my love. But, so far, it has been nothing but constant and sometimes violent, anger. I've never been so frustrated in my immortal life. Even when Carlisle died, the pain was only numbing. There was no anger or wrath. I suppose I was angry at the Volturi, but more than anything I was stoic. I couldn't feel. I lost the capacity to.

But here, in this timeline, emotions are on overdrive. I know the increase of recklessness as well as hormones is only a side effect of being a newborn, but I still can't regulate it. Just the thought of managing my anger and lust for Carlisle is ridiculous, there's no way on earth I could ever get them under control, they're too strong.

"Okay, that's fine," Carlisle assured me as he began walking towards the door. "I just want you to be happy here. If you need anything, please don't be afraid to ask. I want you to be comfortable."

"Okay."

He looked at me again, his eyes skimming over my ill-dressed form until they rested on my hands. He stared at the ring on my hand intently, his eyes scrutinizing the small gem.

"That's a lovely ring," he complimented, his voice almost a whisper. The silver band suddenly felt cold against my skin and I thought about taking it off. It was suddenly uncomfortable.

"It was a gift from my mother on my wedding day. She wanted to get me something blue," I said, twisting the small sapphire around my finger awkwardly. "But now it just reminds me of Charles. Get rid of it please."

I plucked it off my finger and handed it to him. He gave me a quizzical look. "Don't think so irrationally, Esme. It was a gift from your mother; you can't just throw it away. Surely it holds sentimental value?" he offered.

I laughed lightly and tossed it to the ground, watching it spin and glide across the smooth wood floors. It flew to the other side of the room, lodging itself behind my mirror. "No, I don't need it. I'm sure someone else would enjoy it more anyway. Plus, my human life is over. I came to terms with that a long time ago." My hint, which was incredibly blatant and fairly obvious, flew right over Carlisle's head as he sat down on my bed, positioning himself at the foot. I looked at him with wary eyes. He was acting strangely.

"Something's wrong with you, Esme. I can feel it. You weren't always like this," he reminded me in trembling voice.

My head jerked up at Carlisle's words.

_You weren't always like this._

He must remember! The times we shared together, all those sacred years, he remembers them! He knows the old me, the old Esme, his wife. He knows that woman. Finally he comes around! I knew he would!

I leapt up from my chair and dived toward Carlisle, my arms outstretched as I enveloped him in a fierce hug. He awkwardly accepted the hug, his hands patting my back almost in a fatherly way. The thought aggravated me to no end. I decided to change his paternal action with a more romantic gesture.

Before he even knew what I was doing, I had planted a firm but passionate kiss upon his lips. He fumbled backwards at the touch of my skin to his, falling onto the bed in a clumsy manner. I couldn't help myself from hovering over him as he stared up at me with darkened eyes.

"Esme..."

I carefully placed a hand on his face, rubbing soft circles into his cheek. His eyes looked at me lustily, his hands grabbing onto my hips. Electricity shot up my spine as he cradled my bum in his hands, pushing me forward so we were only inches apart. His sweet breath tickled my face. He smelled wonderful, as always.

"I'm so sorry I've neglected you. My emotions are...all over the place right now and I'm confused. But Esme, I just want you to know I didn't forget you. After all these years I still remember you," he said thoughtfully, his hands still massaging my backside. I groaned softly at his touch and nodded my head feverishly.

"Oh Carlisle, I would never in a million years forget you. My lover, my husband, my world, how could I forget you?" I meweled.

Suddenly Carlisle's ministrations stopped. His body became rigid beneath me. I glanced down at him, wondering which part of my sentence had made him tense up so absurdly.

"Esme, what are you talking about? Lover? Husband? I was talking about the time I met you in the hospital when you were sixteen. Other than that I've never seen you in my life. You must be feeling delusional, are you sure you don't want to hunt?" His question was a fine one to ask, but for some reason it broke my heart even more than him forgetting me. I didn't want to hunt. I didn't even want to live. I just wanted to go back home. I wanted my old life back. This life is old and used. I don't want it.

And so, not for the first time nor the last, my heart broke in half.

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	3. Which Cycle Are We on Again?

_This chapter focuses on the real reason behind the weird world Esme has found herself in. Hope you don't find it too weird :) Reviews are complete and utter love!_

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_War and Peace _has exactly 587,287 words from cover to cover.

_The Grapes of Wrath _has 169,481.

_The Scarlet Letter, _63,604.

How do I know these worthless facts? Because I've looked through each and every one of them, counting every single 'a', 'an', and 'the' over twenty times. That's why.

Actually, it's more than just those three books. It's every book on my shelf. I even have a word count list above my desk detailing my progress. I'm on _Wuthering Heights_ right now. The process is incredibly boring, but oddly fulfilling. It sure does beat counting the flecks of paint on my ceiling. Or waiting for Carlisle.

_Carlisle. Oh Carlisle._

It's been three months since this new existence. Three _months_ of utter torture and hell. The thought of dying suddenly doesn't seem so awful.

_Don't you dare pull that whole suicide thing again, Esme. You are not going to kill yourself. You aren't that weak. Yet._

I cracked open my newest word-count applicant and flipped to the first page, tracing my finger over the first few sentences. _One, two, three, four, five_…

Knock, knock, knock.

My head jerked up as I heard a noise behind the door. I could tell by the scent that it was Edward.

_Haven't talked to him in a while. Then again,_ he_ hasn't talked to anyone in a while. It seems Carlisle is the only one capable of social interaction._

Knock, knock, knock.

I forced my thoughts away and shut my book, stuffing it onto a random shelf.

For some reason I fluffed my dress and combed a few fingers through my ratty hair, hoping to improve my horrid appearance. I only go out of my room to go hunting so my physical state, though impossibly beautiful, has seen better days. I coughed unnecessarily and invited him in.

He cracked the door open slightly. "Are you okay? Can I come in?"

I nodded stoically and he pushed the door completely open, striding into my room with a confident air. He had a bit of a smirk on his face. It made me wonder what was going on through that mind of his.

"What do you need, Edward?" I asked, trying to keep as much emotion out of my voice as possible. I knew Edward understood what had happened to me, but we hadn't really talked about it. I hadn't really talked to anyone lately. After Carlisle rejected me, I pretty much just turned off everything. I've been a prisoner to this room ever since.

He shrugged in a very teenager-way. "I just wanted to see how you were…adjusting. I know this is a big step for you, but you must understand this is a big step for everyone." Edward paused for a minute before continuing, "Even Carlisle."

I felt a glob of venom slide down my throat at the sound of my mate's name. Edward was right, I hadn't even really thought about how Carlisle was doing, but he always seemed so well. No, not well, but normal. He seemed normal, and I am anything but.

_Maybe if I just forgot everything like him…_

Edward laughed lightly before taking a seat beside me. He draped his arms over the back of the chair and straddled the seat so he was staring right at me. His eyes were dark as he looked at me, his gaze sharpening as spoke. "He hasn't forgotten. I know at the moment it may seem like he has, but he truly hasn't. Carlisle has gone through quite a bit, and right now he needs you more than anything, but of course you don't seem to realize that."

He grinned as I sheepishly looked down, my feet twisting awkwardly as my mind remembered the past months. He was right. I had been rather distant…but I had the right to be, did I not? My life crumbled beneath me and then I awoke to this weird world where my one true love doesn't even remember me. What did he think I was going to do? Be happy about this?

_Not happy, but not emotionally depressed either._

Edward laughed darkly, shaking his head in a doubtful manner. "No, I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say Esme. I knew you weren't going to be happy about this, that's completely normal, I mean this has happened before you know." He stopped suddenly, his eyes becoming large as he realized what he had just said.

_What _had_ he just said?_

"What do you mean this has happened before? What on earth are you talking about?" I asked sharply. Edward blinked as he stared at me, his eyes betraying his covered anxiety.

"Nothing. It's nothing. I'm sorry I even said anything." He stopped and cleared his throat roughly. "Now where was I, oh, yes, Carlisle just want's –"

"No! Don't you dare say another word Edward Anthony Cullen! I want to know what on earth is happening _right now_, so spill," I commanded, my tone bitter but still motherly. Even through my rage I couldn't be completely rude to my favorite son. He's still my baby boy after all.

"Esme, I…not right now, okay? Maybe later, but right now…" His voice faded off as he stood up and made his way to the other side of the room. I looked on with slight apprehension, idly wondering whether or not it would be appropriate to say anything else.

"Edward…please. I'm confused. I don't know what's going on and I want _answers_. Please talk to me," I begged, my voice cracking with desperation. Edward turned his back to me, his hand faltering over the golden colored door knob. His fingers shook unevenly.

"Esme, I really can't risk you knowing these things. If you knew, then everyone would end up knowing…and God _forbid_ you actually _remember _it…No, I'm sorry but I can't." I expected him to leave after that, but he didn't. He just stood there, staring at the door with a face so deep in thought I could hardly comprehend it. He could be so puzzling at times.

He heaved an unnecessary sigh and thumbed the brass handle mindlessly. I could tell he was breaking.

_I won't tell Carlisle, please just explain all this to me. Please._

"Okay, look, we're all here because we died, correct?"

I nodded dumbly, encouraging him to continue.

"But this isn't the first time this has happened. The vampire life cycle is just that – a cycle. We never really 'die', we're just pushed back to our original rebirth as vampires. You know, when Carlisle found and changed you. All you remember is the last cycle you lived through, the one where Carlisle died at the hands of the Volturi. That's normal; you should still remember that this early in the cycle. Carlisle on the other hand has already forgotten his last cycle, which is, once again, normal. Theoretically, when Aro killed him he was sent back to 17th century England, where he awoke as a vampire. At the time he probably still remembered you, maybe even searched for you, but by now the memories from his last cycle have faded. I suppose a piece of him remembers you, but it's buried deep inside his subconscious."

I pursed my lips as the information soaked in. _Cycles? What on earth is he talking about? I've only ever lived one life. I know that for sure. Right?_

"Esme, try to keep an open mind, okay? I know this is a lot to take in, but you need to stay calm. You've lived over ten cycles already, less than Carlisle and I, but more than Rosalie and the rest of the Cullen's. It can become monotonous over time, especially if you're conscious and understand what's going on, as Alice and I are."

_He _remembers_ all of his cycles?_

"Wait, you've known this all along and never told Carlisle or I? Don't you think this is pertinent information?" I asked sharply, earning me an amused glance from Edward.

"Hey, I don't know why Alice and I were given the ability to actually recall each cycle but I never asked for it. Plus, Alice and I agreed a long time back that we would never tell anyone, even our mates. The information is too…dangerous."

_Dangerous? Weird maybe, but not dangerous._

Edward laughed bitterly at my ignorance causing me to frown. "It is dangerous, in many ways. These repetitive cycles, also known as simply _immortality_, should be kept a secret. If the Volturi found out about this Lord knows what would happen."

"You mean even the Volturi don't know?" I asked, aghast that the leaders of the vampire world were so clueless when compared to my son and daughter.

"Not as of right now, but they get closer every cycle. They're on the hunt to find someone to remember, such as me or Alice. But, the more cycles you live the quicker your memory fades, so I doubt they'll ever figure everything out." He leaned against the doorway and folded his arms stoutly. "You're probably wondering why I'm even bothering to tell you. Well, the answer is quite simple: I want to break the cycle. I want to die. I know that must sound horrendous, but after consciously living so many cycles over so many years…I just…"

"You just don't want to live anymore," I supplied numbly. He nodded.

"Exactly. I don't need your help, and I obviously wasn't going to tell you, but it really doesn't matter now anyway. It doesn't matter if you know. Once Alice comes into the timeline she's going to help me find a way out. She's going to help find a way for all of us to finally die." His expression was that of pure bliss as he thought about the future. "No more cycles, just whatever comes next. Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, I'll welcome anything."

I wasn't exactly surprised by Edward's choice of words, he could be quite depressing at times, but I was concerned. I know how it feels to be suicidal. I know how it feels to lose everything, and although this 'cycle' so far has been incredibly frustrating, I don't want to die. Well, not yet anyway.

"Edward, please don't think in that sort of way. Just think of Bella and Nessie. They're only a little ways down the line. Just wait and you'll find happiness again," I reminded him, a bright tone evident in my voice. Edward had been so full of life and joy when he found Bella; surely he can find that again in the future. He can't just throw everything away.

He shrugged in a childish manner. "Who knows if I'll find her in this cycle? Every cycle is different, Esme. Not one is the same as the other. Out of my twelve cycles I've only met Bella in seven of them, and two of those times she died within the year, which, in turn, ended my cycle. It seems once one member of the Cullen Clan dies, the others aren't far behind." He laughed bitterly and shook his head. "Once Carlisle got himself killed you weren't far behind. Then once you died the Volturi came back a second time and exacted their revenge on the rest of us. I died a day after you in the last cycle. The only reason I was reborn earlier was because the time line called for it. Time can adjust when need be, especially when concerning immortals such as ourselves."

_Time adjusts._

Yes it does. I've seen that quite a bit in the last few months.

As Edward's words raced through my mind a question nagged at my tongue, begging to be asked. Finally I gave in and asked my son in a tired and desperate voice.

"Has there been a cycle where Carlisle and I…um, haven't ended up together?"

Edward gave me a soft smile and shook his head. "Not yet, but your current attitude is jeopardizing that perfect record. I know this is a lot to take in, but I want you to stay hopeful. Carlisle isn't going to fall for you if all you do is sit up in your room all day. Talk to him. Interact with him. Do stuff with him. He's dying for your attention Esme. And maybe, if you're lucky, he might remember a few things about a past cycle, and maybe you will too."

He turned to leave but I grabbed his shirt tail, pulling him back toward me. He chuckled and allowed the awkward movement. "What else do you need, Esme?"

"How do I keep myself from forgetting my last cycle?" I asked hastily.

Edward paused for a moment, tilting his head from side to side in meditation. "I suppose you could write all your memories down in a journal of some sort. I'm sure Carlisle would allow you to have one of his, he has plenty. Having everything written down might help the memories stay fresher in your mind."

I nodded and allowed him to leave, my grip on his shirt loosening as he pulled away. Once the door clicked shut I jumped from my seat and made my way to my closet where I ruffled through my dresses. I almost laughed as I looked through the popular fashions of the day. They were so dated when compared to what I had been wearing a year ago.

_Goodbye flat iron, hello curlers. _

I picked out a light purple knee-length dress with white ruffled sleeves and a buttoned up back. With as much carefulness as a newborn can muster I slipped the dress on quickly and powdered my face with a light layer of makeup. I found a pair of dark grey heels under my bed (most likely a gift from Carlisle) and a black overcoat, both of which I put on. The expensive material was a nice contrast from my normal rugged apparel I had been donning the past few months.

For the first time in a while I felt beautiful.

_Hopefully Carlisle will think the same._

The thought had me smiling giddily as I practically danced down the stairs to the living room. For some reason Edward's conversation and confession had lifted my spirits quite high. I felt good, and more than anything I felt _ready_. This cycle might be my last, which means it's my last chance to win over my Carlisle and keep my record clean, and clean it would stay. Carlisle would always be mine, no matter what.

I noticed a small note on the coffee table near the sofa in the den and bent over to inspect it, my hand lingering on the light blue paper. I could tell by it's cryptic style that Edward had written it.

_Dear Esme, _

_It's so very nice to see you…alert again. I couldn't bear to see you in such an irritated and angered state, and I apologize if any of the information I gave you disturbed or worried you. It was never my intent. I hope you find the journal I left out to your satisfaction, and I hope you have a nice night out with Carlisle. I already called him and told him you would meet him at the park by seven for a stroll. I'm out hunting and will most likely take a visit to Alaska, so the house is yours for the rest of the week._

_ Remember who you are and never give up, even if he isn't as easy to catch this time around._

_ I believe you will do what's best._

_ Love, your son, _

_Edward _

I smiled at his heartfelt letter and tucked it inside the journal he had left. I ran both items up to my room and stashed them away beneath a pile of shoes in my closet. Wouldn't want Carlisle finding out about anything.

And with that I was out the door and on my way to the park where I would, hopefully, win my love's heart once again. _Hopefully._

_ Get ready for the ride of your life, Esme. _

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	4. A Walk in the Park

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight**

**Hope you enjoy my latest installment of _Reborn_! Make sure to tell me what you think!**

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"I didn't think you'd really come."

Carlisle's voice broke through my consciousness causing me to look up from my place on the bench. I shifted uncomfortably as his eyes bore into mine. He was a few feet away but it already felt like he was breathing down my neck. What on earth was wrong with me?

His mouth was flat and his eyes were dark. He looked exhausted. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Then again, the mind reader told me to do it. Surely he knows what's good, right?

"I just wanted to see you. And tell you I'm sorry for how I've acted in the past. My behavior was…unbecoming."

His eyebrows rose at my confession and a smirk tugged at his lips. "Just a little."

I laughed lightly as he walked over. He stuck his arm out, offering me his hand which I gratefully took. His skin felt like satin against mine. I almost sighed both in pleasure and pain. Carlisle's presence was nerve-racking, but also needed. I wanted him so badly but I couldn't get over the fear of him pushing me away again. I didn't want that humiliation again.

"I've been worried about you," Carlisle admitted, a sad note in his voice.

I sighed and nodded as we began our walk through the dimly lit park. Very few people were out, luckily for me. My blood lust could be quite overwhelming at times. I had completely forgotten how awful it was to be a newborn.

"I'm sorry. Really I am. I was just…confused. But I'm not anymore. I have everything sorted out and I have _you." _I shot him a bright smile which he promptly returned. "And that's all I really need."

"Oh Esme," he murmured softly, his hold on my hand tightening slightly. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Make me your bride," I said jokingly, though a part of me desperately hoped Carlisle would understand what I was hinting at.

He chuckled and nodded. "I do like you quite a bit, Esme. Maybe even more than that." He gently pulled my hand up to his lips, planting a soft kiss on my skin. The sensation sent tremors through my body, causing me to smile.

"I feel the same way, Dr. Cullen," I whispered slowly, allowing the words to sink in. Maybe I was finally getting somewhere.

_Finally!_

Carlisle chuckled again, shaking his head slightly. "I know _you_ do. You've showed me that many times."

An inevitable bout of embarrassment welled up inside of me at his words. I knew that if my body were capable of the action a blush would be forming on my skin. "Yes, well, about all that's happened –"

"You don't have to say anything, Esme," Carlisle interrupted me smoothly. "What's happened is in the past, and it should be left there. I think it's time we move on anyway."

I mentally sighed and gave a hasty nod in agreement. "That sounds good. I just want to start fresh with you, Carlisle. I want to _be with you_."

I felt him tense up a bit, but to his credit his steady pace and grip on my hand didn't weaken or falter in the slightest. Maybe he wasn't as opposed to hasty love as I had once thought. Maybe.

We walked in silence for a while, neither of us feeling the need to communicate through words. I don't know whether it was just the night air finally getting to me, but it almost felt like he understood again. Were there not countless times we had performed this same, mundane act? It almost felt normal again, like old times. Or I guess future times. Either way, the feeling was comforting and reminded me just how much I needed Carlisle by my side to function. How did I ever survive so long away from him?

He glanced down at me and smiled softly, the stray rays of moonlight tinting his skin in their pale embrace. His eyes gleamed invitingly with (was I imaging this?) mischief and lust. I felt an invisible blush build as he stared at me, my knees weakening considerably as we strolled.

"Esme," he sighed, a hint of longing evident in his voice. My teeth caught my lower lip and I bit at the skin nervously. Stupid human habits.

"Yes?" I asked softly. He rubbed my skin with his thumb for a moment before stopping abruptly. He turned me around so I was facing him, an outline of tree branches surrounding us like a tunnel. He plucked a small flower from between two leaves and carefully tucked it behind my ear. My hand immediately went to the soft blossom, feeling the silkiness between my fingers. A smile tugged at my lips as he grinned, his happiness almost palpable in the air.

"You're so beautiful." It was just above a whisper but it spoke volumes. His words pounded in the back of my mind, a melodic echo more soothing than any lullaby.

_You're so beautiful._

He was coming back. Slowly, of course, but he was coming.

And then, before I could even reply through my stunned and somewhat dazed state, his lips, soft and full, were against mine. And then we were moving as one, our bodies pressed together, our flesh molding to meet the others desperate grasp. I wasn't thinking, and neither was he. We were kids, acting on simple and animalistic urges. We didn't know what we were doing, but it had been so long since the last time my husband, my _mate, _had loved me in such a passionate way that I couldn't allow the moment to go by. I had to act upon it.

"Edward's gone," I said quietly, in between hurried kisses and caresses. Carlisle's hands, which had been busy massaging the flesh on my lower back, stopped abruptly and he pulled away from my neck where his lips had been firmly planted. His eyes glazed over with confusion as he stared at me, his mouth slightly agape.

"We can't. I shouldn't even be doing this," he reasoned. "We aren't _married_ Esme. I haven't even begun courting you. You deserve more than this. This, what we're doing, is _cheap_. I'm sorry I subjected you to this, it was wrong of me to initiate such an act." He adjusted his coat awkwardly and picked up his hat from where it had fallen on the ground. He dusted it off with shaking hands and placed it back on his head. I leered at him, wondering how on earth everything had turned around so incredibly fast.

_He was always a gentleman._

But that's not what I needed right now. I needed to satiate my needs and renew the bond between us. The bond that has already grown so weak and is only getting weaker everyday we're apart. For God's sake I need my husband and I'm not going to let my nonexistent 'virtue' get in the way. Not tonight. Not after everything's I've done.

"Carlisle, _please_," I begged, resisting the urge to grab him and drag him back to the house. I was still a newborn. I certainly could if I wanted to. "I need this. You need this. Forget everything else, just this once. Edward's gone; we would have the house to ourselves. I've already been spoiled; I have no innocence left for you to steal so don't think you're corrupting me."

His movements stilled, his gaze moving up to meet mine. His pupils were surrounded by a sea of inky blackness, and I knew, if I could see myself, that I would look the same. We felt the same way. How could something so full of love and devotion be wrong? We had been married before. Surely God would understand, if there even such a thing as God. He would understand. He must.

Carlisle's right hand ran through his loose, golden colored locks tensely, as if somehow the move would release all the tension that had built up within his mind. But it wouldn't; only one thing could. _I_ could make him forget. _I_ could stop the stress and the worry that has welled up inside him like an ocean. I've caused him so much pain, what with my cold exterior and steely words, but I could melt it all away if only he would let me.

Why wouldn't he let me?

"Don't put yourself down so much, Esme. You're not tainted at all, if anything you're purer then me. Sometimes I just wish things were easier…I wish I didn't complicate things so much. I love you, I really do, but I don't know if we're ready for this yet. I'm confused about…everything."

A flare of anger alit inside of me at his words. How could he still be so blind? How could he ignore these feelings _oh so_ persistently? How?

"One night is all I ask. In the morning we can sit down and talk. We'll solve everything, all the problems, all the questions. You just need to trust me now that if you follow me tonight that everything will turn out okay. Can you please do that for me?"

He gaze softened and he nodded slowly, his willpower breaking under his own need.

"Just this once," he whispered through my dreamlike state as I pulled him through the park, his limbs too heavy with guilt to do it himself.

I dragged him through that night like a mother guiding her child. I was the one doing the corrupting, but I needed it so badly. I needed him.

He blamed himself, but it wasn't his fault. It was mine.

I pushed him down onto that bed, my body hovering over his like a monster leaning over its prey. He was heated and aggressive but respected me in every way possible, as always. He was inexperienced and clumsy in his movements, reminding me of our wedding night so long ago.

I pried his belt open with spindly fingers and tugged down his trousers until they pooled at his ankles. I told him everything that was happening, everything he was feeling, was completely natural and that he didn't need to worry because everything felt _absolutely lovely _and he was doing a_ fantastic job. _

I encouraged him as he ripped buttons and silk and cotton and lycra, sending them cascading around us like rain falling from the sky. I laughed and tilted my head back as he licked and nipped at the round mounds of my chest, his greenness to sex proving to be humorous when tainted by the high I was on. I couldn't stop, not now, so I allowed him to shred the last bits of lace and material obscuring my body from his view. He swooned and I chuckled.

I gave the command for our bare hips to meet, for him to push inside of me until I was so completely filled that I was gasping for breath. We cried in unison, but only after I told him to let go. We fell apart together and we rested together, my head relaxing on his uncovered chest, his fingers twisting themselves into my caramel strands.

But in the end, once everything was said and done and my thirst was finally quenched, I was the one who had done what couldn't be said. It was my fault and the heavy burden of what I had just done fell upon my shoulders heavier than anything I had ever felt before. I had ruined everything before I even had the chance to fix everything.

And with that I limply left my unwed lover in bed and padded downstairs to think alone, hoping that somewhere along the way all the regret would evaporate into nothingness.

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